WOW time flies!

Wow.  I completely forgot about this blog.  I was cleaning up my bookmarks and stumbled across it. 

Regarding weight loss - My heaviest weight was 253 in January 2023.  That weight acccumulated after my mom died in 2015, followed by my husband Jimmy starting a MS/PhD program in 2016 that took up most of his discretionary time from 2016 to 2022 with a gap for covid when he was laid up with slipped discs and weird vertigo that caused him violent vomiting when he moved.  I became bitter with how much I was prioritized, and I pretty much swam in depression off and mostly on since 2015.

I have struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember, and depression since my two miscarraiges in my late 20s.  

Part of me doesn't want to rehash all of this, because I can feel the emotions rising and I don't particularly want to cry right now..... BUT, I think it is healing.  Too much has happened since my last post.... in 2017.  

I am now divorced... those years where we spent no time together did us in, although he says he has not had his needs met since the kids came.  Which of course was when I had post-partum depression - BAD.  And I don't know - moms don't get their needs met either.  It's all about the kids.  

Anyway, back to the weightloss.  In March 2023, I was diagnosed with the very beginings of diabetic retinopathy.  I didn't have any symptoms, but that year's retina scan showed the beginning damage.  After 22 years of diabetes, that isn't surprising.

Because of this diagnosis, I started working out (mostly cardio) 4-5 days a week.  I lost a few pounds in a couple of weeks.

Then Jimmy left me 3/31/23.  The next week, I barely ate.  I lost 6 lbs in that week alone.  

Dang, this hurts to remember. 

I was down to 220ish when I started a new job in May 2023.

Work became stressful about 3 months in - (truly a toxic environment but I stayed until Oct 2024.)  Because of the long hours (50 hrs - but only paid for the 40hrs I signed up for - because they called it salary which I can look back and see was a tactic because they overwork everyone who allows it) and the erratic behavior of one of the bosses, I wasn't working out as much (once a week mostly) and I was binging.

Along with the work stress 2023 and 2024 had a lot of divorce stress. and the issues that popped upJust when I would start feeling like I could do this, I'd have something new to process - like finding out he was dating his friend basically right after he left - he even spent that weekend in a hotel with her. They were "best friends" for 4 years before the divorce,  She left her spouse the beginning of February, and he left me on a Fridday telling me he was going away for the weekend to unplug and get clarity. He asked for the divorce on Sunday. I was in shock - the feelings of betrayal, and grief, the feeling that I wasted so much of my life waiting for when Jimmy was done with this, or Jimmy was done with that, then we could focus on us.  Sike.  We actually NEVER focused on us as a married couple.  I truly think we got married too young.  

Anyway - all of the stress has caused my weight to fluctuate but hover around the 220 mark. Because I self medicate with chocolate in various forms.  

Today, I am 208.  I am taking a low dose of Tirzepitide, which slows down digestion and I am not as hungry.  I do not want to risk taking higher doses because there is a risk of making my retinopathy worse. So faster weight loss is not worth it.  But the low base dose is helpful.  I am working out a few days a week, sometimes just cardio.  I am going back to focusing on getting all my rings closed on my apple watch.  That helped me alot during March-May 2023.

Regarding Jimmy - Although this was all painful, I see that our marriage was never what I thought it was -- and that brings a grief all of its own.  But I don't mention him to trash him.  Our failed marriage isn't all his fault.  Just the way it ended.  It still brings me pain to even think about him - but being together for 31 years (28 married) will take time to fully grieve.   So, I am not a bitter ex wife.  I am a grieving almost 54 year old woman who is now discovering who I truly am.  Not all the roles I put on.  

Thanks for reading.  

I find it helpful to write these things out wether or not anyone else reads it.  

TruVision Day 13

So I didn't blog as often as I planned because I spent last week binge watching Game of Thrones.

However, I did measure and weigh in last Friday (day 8).  I was surprised to see ANY actual results in so short a time period ESPECIALLY since I did not take 2 doses a day like what is recommended.

I weighed in at 5 lbs. less and measured 1 inch less around my waist.  Crazy, right?

So, we will see what happens on Friday when I weigh in and measure again.

During the first week, I had insomnia both nights that I took 2 doses.  It was different from my normal - stayed up all night reading a book and can't sleep because I am thinking about the characters... I was tired and yet alert.

This week, I have been trying to take both doses - and I have been able to sleep, but have woken up through out the night when I have done both doses.  No full on insomnia, so I am guessing that was a result of a) just getting used to the product b) anticipatory stress over my mom's death day anniversary c) binge watching GOT and not being able to limit myself to a few episodes a night or d) all of the above.

My blood sugars are still doing better on this supplement.  I have been experimenting a little with that.... not taking insulin during lunch.... taking less with breakfast.

I have also continued to notice the sinus clearing affect these supplements seem to have.  The excessive sweating I noticed previously has still happened, but I am not sure it's related to the supplement.   It's still hot as all get out here... and if there is an ounce of humidity I sweat.  But I also think I really am having peri-menopausal hot flashes because they will come on suddenly and last for 5 minutes or so and then go away.

On Friday, I will post actual measurements.  Not sure if I will see anything different.  And of course, the first week could have been a fluke - or even error in measuring.  Most people don't see results right off the bat.... so I will do this for a minimum of one month before giving up on it.  I think it's worth trying for 3 months.

Peace out,
Susan

Catching up - and TruVision Day 3

It makes me sad that in 2012, I weighed in at 200 thinking that I couldn't possibly let myself get any bigger.  And yet, 5 years later, I am 45 lbs heavier.

I suck at sticking to weightloss plans and "lifestyle changes" and even sticking to the new fads like the HCG drops.  So here I am.... yes, I can blame some of this weight gain on the fact that it's just harder for Type 2 Diabetics to lose weight... or I could blame it on depression and emotional eating.... some of that is true.... my mom passed away 2 years ago.... and I have eaten 20 lbs of therapy in missing her.... even though I didn't even have the BEST relationship with her.  Not that it was bad... just that it wasn't as good as I wanted it to be.

My dad and sister have lost over 100 lbs together (not sure their individual amounts) since my mom died.  They took to exercise.  I took to chocolate.

I think deep down, I don't think I can do this.  Have I ever actually done anything amazing in my life? Well, I did drop 30 lbs way back in 2002 so that I could get pregnant with Stephen. But since then, not so much.  So many emotional highs and lows..... Post Partum Depression, relocation, death of not only family, but friends....

But, I do like to exercise... I just like to eat things that aren't good for me.

So, fast forward to now.  I started a new supplement called TruVision.  You can order this directly from the website, but there is also a direct sales approach that can get you free product or even a paycheck.  I purchased my sample pack from someone on facebook marketplace.

I plan on blogging about how I am feeling so that if it actually works, I will have documentation as to how it made me feel, etc.

So... on day one, I only took it once - as opposed to the recommended 2x a day.  I didn't notice anything out of the order energy-wise, but interestingly enough - my sinuses seemed unusually clear almost as if I had used a nasal spray.

Day 2:  I did get a little jittery - but I think that's because I went too long between meals.  After food, I felt fine.  Again, I noticed the sinus thing.

Day 3:  Last night was rough.  I recently got a new iphone and I was up entirely too late setting up my playlists.  It was 1:30 ish when I went to bed.  Prior to bed, I checked my blood sugar and took my night time (long acting) insulin.  My bs was 218.  I think I must have had something on my hands because at 5:30 am I woke up with a 70 bs, which could not have been 218 only a few hours prior....  with no added short term insulin.   In any case, a 70, while not dangerously low - does make me start feeling uncomfortable.  I was unable to go back to sleep until 8:30 am.  So all that just to say that I don't feel my best, but I don't think it has anything to do with the supplements.

I took the supplements at 11 when I got back up.  Had a peanut butter sandwich with it.  Again, my sinuses are super clear.  And this morning, prior to the supplement - I was slightly congested (as is my norm).

Now, I am seriously overweight.  This causes me to sweat pretty badly.  ESPECIALLY if there is ANY humidity at all.  So, I am sweating a lot.  These supplements are not supposed to be thermogenic. One of the 2 pills does have green tea extract.  I feel like I am sweating profusely about an hour or so after ingesting the supplements.  I will keep paying attention to that.  It's really hard to say though because I  already sweat so much.  Even thin, I had sweating issues... had to and still do use prescription strength antiperspirant.   I remember back in my Amway days - we didn't have any prescription strength antiperspirant, but we would ONLY buy what was available through our Amway business.  I would have to go to the restroom at work to shove toilet paper/papertowels in my pits to dry up the extra perspiration.  This is one of the many reasons (negative baggage) that I have a distate for direct marketing companies.  I wasn't strong enough so early in my marriage to tell my hubby - NO, I am not going to buy and use a product that doesn't work for me.  Screw product loyalty!

And, I could be having hot flashes.  I am 46, so peri-menopause could be the culprit.  Doctors say that crap can last for 15 fricking years before full on menopause.  As if women don't have enough hormonal crap to deal with.

So anyway, I am hopeful about these supplements.  I just started working again, so its been an adjustment trying to figure in when to work out...  for at least the first week, I am just going to worry about taking the supplements and drinking lots of water to flush out toxins.  Next week, I will add in a day or two at the gym.

I am going to try to post daily.
Peace out, S

Catching up

So much has happened since my last post. Most significantly, my father-in-law lost his almost 20 year battle with cancer the last week of April. Needless to say, my focus was not on myself or weight-loss for several weeks. We were up in Maryland and ate out a lot, and emotions were crazy

At the end of May, we had major plumbing issues and A/C issues. Our house was replumbed and is currently still being worked on to repair drywall from the re-plumbing. It's taken forever and has been a bit distracting.

Now, at the end of June, I am refocused on weight-loss coupled with spiritual growth/health.

When I make time to consciously spend pursuing a deeper understanding of God, it gives me more strength of will to focus on doing the right things physically.

That said, the past week has been quite productive.

Many many months ago, my doctor recommended the medical weight loss diet where you get HCG injections and eat 500 calories a day. I wasn't interested in that kind of discipline or the $1000 price tag.

Then, a month or so ago, when I took my son S to Minute Clinic, the RN turned out to be a hardly recognizable version of one of J's friend's parents. I asked her how she lost so much weight in such a short time (I had seen her at school less than 4 months prior).

She attributed her success to HCG in drop form. HCG1234.com.

So, I bought some drops. I don't know if they really work or not. I tend to think not, because I am still hungry a lot, and I am going way over the HCG diet's recommended 500 or 800 calorie plan. However, I do know that I am now counting calories whereas I never had before. I am now limiting myself to 1200-1500 calories a day. I am still taking the drops... Just in case they do something for me. Primarily, though, I am measuring calories in and calories burned. The HCG diet is just too restrictive for me. I am hoping that after another week or so, my tummy will start shrinking and getting used to eating less so I don't notice the hunger as much.

It's amazing how much more I ate when I wasn't paying attention to it. I probably ate 2500-3500 calories a day, which explains why I wasn't losing weight even when I was working out.

So last Wednesday, I weighed in at 214. ( see pic).

This morning I weighed in at 207. AND it's a time of month where I normally weigh more, so I am happy.

Will keep you posted.
- Susan :)

Getting Real!!! No more excuses!!

Today, I took a spin class again. I really really really like how I feel after a spin class. There are times DURING spin, that I HATE it. But when I can monitor my heartrate and keep myself from going too high or letting myself coast too low, I get a fabulous cardio workout that makes me feel great for hours afterward.

I've been trying to schedule an appointment with a new trainer for the past 3 days. There's always been some kind of problem: the web server wasn't working when I tried to schedule it online, the training manager wasn't in when I went in and the counter person didn't know how to schedule me, I was told to find the trainer after her session (and my spin class) to speak directly with her... she disappeared. No sign of her. SOooo..... I decided to call my other trainer. Instead of the cowardly way out - switching trainers without even really discussing it with my current trainer, I called her and told her where I really am, mentally, physically, emotionally.

It was a great call. She encouraged me to do the cardio... at least 5 days a week. Not as a tool to lose weight. Not instead of training. But in order to maintain the positive mental attitude that cardio brings me.

Interestingly enough, my trainer has dealt with depression in her life too. PTSD, as well. She combats her issues with cardio since the body produces more seratonin or something like that during exercise. The happy hormone. :) Talking with her confirmed my thoughts on how I NEED to do cardio multiple days a week. I can't let my lack of progress with weight training affect my cardio. My weight training will improve over time and the positive energy and attitude I get from cardio will help me do it faster.

That said, I am going to continue on with T. She knows that I am still struggling a little with depression (over my cat, I know I know... I have 2 new kitties to distract me, but I still miss my Daisy girl). She knows that I allow the weight training to intimidate me and she knows that I have been wallowing in my own discouragement. She encouraged me to list the pros of cardio/exercise so that on days when I feel discouraged, I can look at my list and remind myself of why I need to get to it! Here it goes:

Reasons to do cardio:
1. I actually feel like I have more energy after a good cardio workout.
2. I like the way I physically feel after I make myself work hard enough to drip sweat (gross I know, but it's fulfilling to know I can push myself to that level - without hurling) almost as if the vigorous sweating is forcing out negative toxins. (maybe it is)
3. Even though I can see the extra weight I still carry, after working out, I feel more attractive.
4. It's good for my heart.
5. I want to be around for my grandkids.
6. I feel like I can do more, be more - after exercising.
7. I want to be sexy (awkward to admit, but it's truth) and exercise makes me feel more sexy. (kindof like #3, but not exactly).

I did not weigh in today. I wanted to focus this week on getting back into exercise without worrying so much about the weight. Took me 4 days to get it in gear. I was sick on Monday, so I used that as my excuse not to workout on Tuesday. Yesterday, I used my dentist appt as an excuse. You know, "I can't workout until my jaw isn't numb anymore... I can't drink properly, what if I need to drink while I am working out"... EXCUSES EXCUSES!!! Today was good. I made it to the gym and I feel great.

This morning, I read a fb private message from a friend asking me about my progress and encouraging me while she shared her own struggles. It pushed me to get of my martyred butt and go exercise this morning. I am so glad I did. Thank you!!!

Another Month of Nothing

Okay, so it wasn't nothing. But it was no progress. Or actually, I took a step back. My weigh-in yesterday morning was 209.5. Considering how little I worked out and all of the chocolate and peanutbuttery goodness I ate over the Easter holiday/kid's spring break, I am surprised at how little I gained. Now that we are home, and I have access to my gym, I am hopping right back on the healthful eating and exercising wagon.





Watching Biggest Loser last night, I rejoiced that Chris went home. I really disliked her. It occurred to me as I watched her binge, that perhaps I disliked her because I saw a bit of my own weakness in her. I, too, emotionally binge eat. I, too, struggle with emotional self-abuse. She whined out loud. I whine in my head. I do think part of my dislike for Chris was because she is only 2 years older than me but acts like she is 2 decades older. I think I resent her misrepresenting the 40 year old crowd. Whatever the case, I have no place to judge. I watch Biggest Loser to be inspired and though Chris never did anything for me in that regard, Kim does. Except for her big perky boobs, I have a similar body shape to her, so its been rewarding to watch her transform and know that if I just get this right, I, too, can transform. I joined the PALA challenge under Kim's name to 1. help her win a gym in her community and 2. provide additional motivation for me.





When I finish typing this blog, I am heading to the gym for some cardio. I've decided that cardio several days a week is better than one trainer session a week and then nothing. Since I've started training, I have been harder on myself emotionally. I felt like a failure throwing up that one day, and it's been very difficult to get back to positive self talk. I think I will try out a new trainer. Yes, I do want to be pushed. But my current trainer pushes me to the point where I feel like throwing up or passing out from dizziness, every time. I want to feel successful at a workout. Not constantly mediocre. I don't want a cake walk. I want to earn it. I just don't know how to focus on the good when I have to walk a few laps just to keep from hurling. It's been a hurdle that I haven't yet figured how to outmaneuver. So, I'm going back to basics. I can do 40-50 minutes of cardio and feel really great. I want to feel great after working out. I don't want to feel like I barely survived and CRAP, I have to do this again. I want to love working out. I should definitely try another trainer I think.





I haven't been eating all that badly except for the Easter indulging and some PMS chocolate self-medicating. I've been experimenting with the Paleo diet. I am currently reading the book, and it's very interesting. I can't go hard-core paleo, nor do I want to. For anyone who doesn't know, Paleo, Primal, Primitive, or Caveman diets consist of animal proteins and fats, non legume/tuber vegetables and pretty much all fruits. No dairy, no grains. Um... Hell to the NO!!! :)





While I am looking for alternatives for foods that are particularly bad for me as a diabetic, I refuse to give up dairy. I like my milk. I like... NO, I LOVE my cheese. And I love oatmeal. and beans. No legumes? Seriously? and Peanuts... did you know that peanuts are actually legumes and NOT a nut? Me neither. My Paleo Diet book says this is truth. I don't care. I love me some crunchy peanutbutter.





I've made some dishes so far: Spaghetti squash to replace pasta (my family will not eat this, but I think it is delish), Cauliflower (riced in the blender/food processer) stir fry (EVERYONE LOVED THIS), Banana muffins made with coconut flour (eh... they were okay. Stephen tolerated them, Jordan liked them, Jimmy said they were fine... texture was a little weird and though I knew that I used coconut flour, I wasn't expecting the coconut flavor). I still have many recipes I want to try, and have a newfound love for the Pinterest website where I found: http://www.nomnompaleo.com/ and oodles of recipes to try.





So, I'm going back to protein shakes for breakfast with either a banana or oatmeal depending on how soon after b-fast I will be working out. Breakfast is by far the easiest meal for me to blow... grabbing something easy but unhealthy. So, I am setting out my mixer cup every nite with the powder in it, just waiting for the milk to make it magical. :) (the bodybyvi shakes are really really tasty). I'm going to have to pre-make some lunches too. So I don't splurge on bad stuff.





So... if you are still with me. Thank you for hanging in there. I don't want to suck at this anymore!!! I want to be a success story. :)

Boot camp is

HARD!!!