I have had a bit of a setback the past two weeks. My last post was a day or two before I fell off the fitness wagon. I fell hard... let myself get dragged for a bit.
On Friday, Feb 10, I went to a weekend retreat with my 6th grade Transit girls. (Transit is the Jr. High program at church.) The weekend was filled will all kinds of junk food I normally don't eat. But... I put up absolutely no fight... I dove in. I had pizza and snickers bars and bbq pringles (sooo yum) and chocolate chip cookies, all of it to the excess. And very very very little healthy food. I patted myself on the back for at least bringing protein shakes for supplementing meals.
After the weekend sleepover, I was exhausted. Bad fuel, very little rest.... At my age, recovery takes a lot longer than it used to. It took days of me sleeping extra to feel normal again - energy wise. During those days, I didn't jump back on the wagon. I kind of rode it with my leg dragging as if I wasn't sure I really wanted back on the wagon. I ate better, but I didn't make it back to the gym. I had plenty of excuses. And then of course, I was an emotional basket case for part of the week because I had taken my sweet cuddle kitty in to the vet's office to be put down. (she had cancer). I told myself that her passing was a great excuse to wallow and even indulge. I didn't feel better.
Almost 2 weeks after my last great workout (with my trainer on the 8th), I went in for another appt with my trainer (2/20). I was not in the right place mentally - I was very negative, had low energy, I went in with a "I can't do this" attitude. I wanted to cancel my appt, but I showed up. And I got schooled. I threw up 3 times during that workout. Trainer T says it might be because I had eaten lunch too close to my workout time (less than an hour earlier). I think it may be partly the reason. But, I think somewhere along the way, I re-erected a mental wall. A road block of some kind and I don't know why it's there or even what it's about yet. But I think it's there.
I have this pattern... things are going great, I am doing all the right things... I am even seeing some progress on the scale... and then BOOM! Something hits me (any excuse seems to work for me), I fall off the wagon... I even stumble off the road sometimes. And it takes me forever to find the path and then the wagon and then jump on again.
So. I can't do anything about the past two weeks. But I am going to try to get back to where I was 2 weeks ago. Working out without the upchuck... working out 4+ days a week... eating healthy...
I did NOT weigh in this week. I am a little afraid to do that. I feel like crap again and I am struggling to pull myself out of the sludge of inactivity and lethargy. I went bike riding for a half hour with my sister in law today. It was a good ride, but I found myself complaining internally the whole time. I may have said some of it out loud... my back hurts; I can't believe how warm it is out; Ugh, I'm sweating already.
I am planning to hit the gym early tomorrow. I will let you know how it goes. Two steps forward, five steps back... two steps forward. That's where I am today. Taking another step forward. Can't focus on those five steps back. Nope. Gotta move on. And while I am moving... I am going to be thinking hard about where the wall keeps coming from. I want to find the root and pull it. Enough already!!! Self sabotage is so last season!
Thanks for listening. :)
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Weight training
This is after a 30 minute "I almost died twice" workout with my new trainer. She looks amazing.... And has a 28 yr old daughter when she actually looks 28 herself. 
WTH Wednesday!!!!
Hello Internets!
Last week, I posted on Thursday, 2/2 and mentioned that I had a mediocre workout... Well, I think it was part due to getting sick and NOT just because I was depressed about my kitty. I woke up Friday feeling like I'd been hit by a truck. Not only hit, but stuck on the bumper being dragged too. Needless to say, I DID NOT work out on Friday. I mostly slept... until Friday night, when I put on my happy face and my big girl pants and went out to paint with my sister in law and a friend. (http://www.just-for-giggles.com/ )
Saturday:
I was still feeling blah... felt like a sinus infection without the snot... so I took it easy again. Hubby and I went to a Married Life event at church that night... where I.... .... ... okay okay... so I indulged. They had these amazing little cupcakes. O. M. G.!!!!! They were soooooo fabulous. so I had 4 mini cupcakes with delicious frosting and way too many calories. I couldn't help myself. I didn't want to help myself. Okay, I really really wanted to help myself... to many many more cupcakes - but I kept it to only 4. It was hard to refrain. Although Jimmy didn't even try one. Hmmmmm. Wonder how he did that.
Sunday:
Still felt a bit crappy. Ears hurt. Sinus pressure. Achy muscles. Went to church and Transit (http://www.transitstudents.org/). Visited with family. Had dinner with friends at El Porton (yummy). No exercise.
Monday:
Mostly better. Still fatigued. BUT... My gym called to have me come in for my assessment workout. Rather than put it off, I went in.
Here's what I learned:
My current body fat 38%
Current weight 210 (up 2.5 lbs) - this is with shoes - my normal weigh-ins are shoeless
3 min step test gets my heart rate up to 140
I can do 7 reps of 75lbs on the bench press
I can do 10+ reps of 275 lbs on the leg press
I can do 20 modified push-ups (super modified)
My calves are 1 inch larger in diameter than my biceps.
So after that 20 minutes of assessment excercises, I did 45 minutes of cardio: 20 min eliptical, 20 minutes rower, 5 minutes treadmill.
I am assuming the weight gain is from my apathy the past few days (not really watching what I ate...not bingeing, but not being purposeful in my choices) AND it's PMS week. Can I say BLOAT? Being a girl is so not fair. Better than being a boy... but still.
Tuesday:
I have no muscle pain in my legs. BUT... my arms/shoulders/pecs are hurting. UGH. It feels a bit ridulous to hurt from only 7 reps of bench pressing and 20 very modified push ups. But I do. I ended up going to the gym after dinner yesterday. I had wanted to go earlier in the day, but kept putting it off and putting it off until I got a call from the school clinic to pick up Stephen. Aha... I thought. Now I CAN'T go to the gym. Woohoo!
But as the day went on, my muscle soreness got worse. So I finally gave in and went to the gym to get some blood flowing to these achy muscles. I only did cardio: 20 minutes on the rower, 25 minutes on the elliptical.
Today, I am hurting. Again... it feels a bit pathetic to hurt after so little in the way of exertion. AND, I have my first official workout with my new trainer. I am scared. She was excited to see me sweat the other day. Said she was going to have fun with me and she likes to see girls who aren't scared to sweat.
I almost forgot to update on Daisy. The steroids she is on seem to be helping. The vet said they could shrink the tumors and it seems like they are. She's been eating a whole lot more. She's been up and around. She's grooming herself again. All in all, it's good. The vet called me yesterday to check on her and he reminded me again that this is only a temporary fix and eventually the steroids won't work anymore. Until then, however, we have our sweet little Daisy.
Until next time.... :)
-Susan
Last week, I posted on Thursday, 2/2 and mentioned that I had a mediocre workout... Well, I think it was part due to getting sick and NOT just because I was depressed about my kitty. I woke up Friday feeling like I'd been hit by a truck. Not only hit, but stuck on the bumper being dragged too. Needless to say, I DID NOT work out on Friday. I mostly slept... until Friday night, when I put on my happy face and my big girl pants and went out to paint with my sister in law and a friend. (http://www.just-for-giggles.com/ )
Saturday:
I was still feeling blah... felt like a sinus infection without the snot... so I took it easy again. Hubby and I went to a Married Life event at church that night... where I.... .... ... okay okay... so I indulged. They had these amazing little cupcakes. O. M. G.!!!!! They were soooooo fabulous. so I had 4 mini cupcakes with delicious frosting and way too many calories. I couldn't help myself. I didn't want to help myself. Okay, I really really wanted to help myself... to many many more cupcakes - but I kept it to only 4. It was hard to refrain. Although Jimmy didn't even try one. Hmmmmm. Wonder how he did that.
Sunday:
Still felt a bit crappy. Ears hurt. Sinus pressure. Achy muscles. Went to church and Transit (http://www.transitstudents.org/). Visited with family. Had dinner with friends at El Porton (yummy). No exercise.
Monday:
Mostly better. Still fatigued. BUT... My gym called to have me come in for my assessment workout. Rather than put it off, I went in.
Here's what I learned:
My current body fat 38%
Current weight 210 (up 2.5 lbs) - this is with shoes - my normal weigh-ins are shoeless
3 min step test gets my heart rate up to 140
I can do 7 reps of 75lbs on the bench press
I can do 10+ reps of 275 lbs on the leg press
I can do 20 modified push-ups (super modified)
My calves are 1 inch larger in diameter than my biceps.
So after that 20 minutes of assessment excercises, I did 45 minutes of cardio: 20 min eliptical, 20 minutes rower, 5 minutes treadmill.
I am assuming the weight gain is from my apathy the past few days (not really watching what I ate...not bingeing, but not being purposeful in my choices) AND it's PMS week. Can I say BLOAT? Being a girl is so not fair. Better than being a boy... but still.
Tuesday:
I have no muscle pain in my legs. BUT... my arms/shoulders/pecs are hurting. UGH. It feels a bit ridulous to hurt from only 7 reps of bench pressing and 20 very modified push ups. But I do. I ended up going to the gym after dinner yesterday. I had wanted to go earlier in the day, but kept putting it off and putting it off until I got a call from the school clinic to pick up Stephen. Aha... I thought. Now I CAN'T go to the gym. Woohoo!
But as the day went on, my muscle soreness got worse. So I finally gave in and went to the gym to get some blood flowing to these achy muscles. I only did cardio: 20 minutes on the rower, 25 minutes on the elliptical.
Today, I am hurting. Again... it feels a bit pathetic to hurt after so little in the way of exertion. AND, I have my first official workout with my new trainer. I am scared. She was excited to see me sweat the other day. Said she was going to have fun with me and she likes to see girls who aren't scared to sweat.
I almost forgot to update on Daisy. The steroids she is on seem to be helping. The vet said they could shrink the tumors and it seems like they are. She's been eating a whole lot more. She's been up and around. She's grooming herself again. All in all, it's good. The vet called me yesterday to check on her and he reminded me again that this is only a temporary fix and eventually the steroids won't work anymore. Until then, however, we have our sweet little Daisy.
Until next time.... :)
-Susan
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Depressed....
Yesterday, I went mall walking for 45 minutes with a friend of mine who has littles. I had forgotten how much of a workout mall walking actually is when you are pushing a stroller with 30 lbs of toddler in it. Although I did get up a mild sweat, I had wanted to go to the gym also - so I could really get my heart rate up.
Unfortunately, I had a busy day: mall walking, followed by partial lunch w/Jordan, reading to Stephen's class, then lunch with Stephen, then grocery shopping, then the kids got home and we took Daisy to the vet.
The vet's appt. took an hour and a 1/2. They did blood tests and x-rays. Teeny Tiny Daisy has basically been starving to death because her intestines are riddled with masses. The vet said it's more than likely lymphoma... and prognosis is not good. Still waiting on blood test results. Of course, we could biopsy, we could remove what they find, we could do chemo... but it's all very costly... AND it guarantees nothing - with the x-rays, it looks like you'd have to take out most of her intestines... AND... we've got Jimmy's dad going through the end stages of his cancer and will have at least one family trip up to Maryland in the upcoming months, so we have those expenses to plan for as well. Not that I am trying to make this a pity party post... Just explaining where my head is at today.
After the vet's, I came home and cried for an hour or two... just holding and petting my boney little sweet kitty. She still purrs. She still wants attention... she doesn't seem like she's hurting... she's just withering away. She sleeps all the time, she only licks the juice from her food. I don't know whether to just try to make her comfortable while I watch her die, or whether to put her down so she doesn't suffer. I want to do both. UGH!!!!
So, today... I skipped the 8 am spin class. I was just petting the girl, and looking up some Christian music on itunes to make me feel better.... 9 o'clock rolled around and I decided to go to the 9:15 class. I figured I was kidding myself thinking I'd go later in the day and do a cardio on the rower and treadmill and get a good workout. Honestly, I feel like crying myself to sleep. Silly, some might say, to get so upset over the loss of a pet. But, for animal lovers like myself... it's almost as if you're losing a part of yourself, or at the very least... a family member. And unfortunately, all the money in the world can't get rid of cancer. It can buy you time... but that's it. And maybe I'm a little sensitive because I am watching what is happening to my father in law, and how much my sister in law is having to deal with - and how much my husband is having to deal with. And though I don't have the best relationship with my father-in-law, I do care about him, and my husband's sisters... and it hurts to watch the process, it hurts to watch them all hurt. And it hurts to lose my sweet little cuddle kitty...
So, what I noticed today - is that my negative self-talk DURING spin class was at an all-time high. I basically argued with myself the whole time.
"Wow, Susan, you are the fattest person in this class."
"But you won't always be... you're working on it. You're here"
"I don't belong here"
"Yes you do. You're going to be an athlete... you ARE an athlete"
"Crap, I can't do this"
"Yes you can, You can do all things through Christ"
"This sucks! I hate it"
"You normally love it, that's just your pain talking"
"My knees hurt"
"Quit half-assing it and they'll stop"
"Again... you are the biggest woman in the class...look at yourself"
"Leave me alone!!! I am a work in progress"
It actually amazes me how negative I was when my self talk just yesterday, was so positive. BUT:
I am proud of myself for going to the gym when I really just wanted to lay in bed and cry.
TODAY I am going to eat well and NOT succumb to my nearly life long habit of emotional eating.
Last night, we had a girls night at my church for those of us who are small group leaders for the 6th grade girls. It was a much needed break for me, and dinner was delicious (California Pizza Kitchen salads and pizza). Now, pizza is one of the absolute worst foods a diabetic can eat. I did allow myself a small piece and ate a full plate of salad with it. I also had 1/2 of an oatmeal raisin cookie. For anyone who might be struggling with pre-diabetes... IF you are going to have pizza... eat a salad first, or with it.. all the fiber helps slow down the breaking down of the carbs. You'll still have a spike in sugars (I have had a spike {of over 300} which peeked at 5 hours after eating 2 or 3 large slices of pizza w/no salad). I love pizza, and I was emotional... so I did indulge in the one slice last night and the 1/2 cookie. And I'm not sorry for it. I am just glad I didn't let myself PIG OUT like I would have a few short months ago.
I brought home 2 left over pizzas (1 and 1/2). Jimmy took the full BBQ ckn to lunch for work (they are 10" pizzas), and I scraped the toppings off of the 3 pieces of works pizza for breakfast. I threw away the bread. That is how I generally eat pizza these days. TOPPINGS only!
and I had a 100 cal. pack of fruit crisps with my coffee this morning.
I am about to make an omelet for lunch.
I hate that it takes so much more effort to lose weight than it does to gain it. But, I feel better. I needed to vent. And it feels good to actually tell people those negative things I tell myself. It reminds me of what is truth, and what my mission is, why I am doing this, what my goals are.
My body is God's temple. I need to restore it to its proper form and honor myself and my God through the journey.
So, I didn't see a difference in the scale this morning... but you know, those folks on Biggest Loser kicked BUTT in the gym this week and ate right - probably better than I did... and some of them only lost 2 lbs.... and that's with MANY HOURS a day working out.... So, it's all good. I'm still going in the right direction. My glass of water with orange slices is still better for me than the Diet Dr. Pepper I used to drink altogether too much of. My half-hearted spin class for an hour still burned a ton of calories and will continue to burn extra calories for several hours (I have seen articles that claim up to 10 hours of extra calorie burn).
I also wanted to share a website , in case any of you find it inspiring... it's www.fit2fat2fit.com. My trainer on Tuesday told me about this trainer who gained over 60 lbs in 6 months on purpose - so that he could lose it again in another 6, and to relate better to his clients who were trying to lose weight. He blogs about how he felt during different stages and what he is doing now to lose the weight... and while I am not following his plan, I do find encouragement in reading his thoughts and feelings during his "fat" stage.
Thanks for reading. Until next time...
L8r
Su
Unfortunately, I had a busy day: mall walking, followed by partial lunch w/Jordan, reading to Stephen's class, then lunch with Stephen, then grocery shopping, then the kids got home and we took Daisy to the vet.
The vet's appt. took an hour and a 1/2. They did blood tests and x-rays. Teeny Tiny Daisy has basically been starving to death because her intestines are riddled with masses. The vet said it's more than likely lymphoma... and prognosis is not good. Still waiting on blood test results. Of course, we could biopsy, we could remove what they find, we could do chemo... but it's all very costly... AND it guarantees nothing - with the x-rays, it looks like you'd have to take out most of her intestines... AND... we've got Jimmy's dad going through the end stages of his cancer and will have at least one family trip up to Maryland in the upcoming months, so we have those expenses to plan for as well. Not that I am trying to make this a pity party post... Just explaining where my head is at today.
After the vet's, I came home and cried for an hour or two... just holding and petting my boney little sweet kitty. She still purrs. She still wants attention... she doesn't seem like she's hurting... she's just withering away. She sleeps all the time, she only licks the juice from her food. I don't know whether to just try to make her comfortable while I watch her die, or whether to put her down so she doesn't suffer. I want to do both. UGH!!!!
So, today... I skipped the 8 am spin class. I was just petting the girl, and looking up some Christian music on itunes to make me feel better.... 9 o'clock rolled around and I decided to go to the 9:15 class. I figured I was kidding myself thinking I'd go later in the day and do a cardio on the rower and treadmill and get a good workout. Honestly, I feel like crying myself to sleep. Silly, some might say, to get so upset over the loss of a pet. But, for animal lovers like myself... it's almost as if you're losing a part of yourself, or at the very least... a family member. And unfortunately, all the money in the world can't get rid of cancer. It can buy you time... but that's it. And maybe I'm a little sensitive because I am watching what is happening to my father in law, and how much my sister in law is having to deal with - and how much my husband is having to deal with. And though I don't have the best relationship with my father-in-law, I do care about him, and my husband's sisters... and it hurts to watch the process, it hurts to watch them all hurt. And it hurts to lose my sweet little cuddle kitty...
So, what I noticed today - is that my negative self-talk DURING spin class was at an all-time high. I basically argued with myself the whole time.
"Wow, Susan, you are the fattest person in this class."
"But you won't always be... you're working on it. You're here"
"I don't belong here"
"Yes you do. You're going to be an athlete... you ARE an athlete"
"Crap, I can't do this"
"Yes you can, You can do all things through Christ"
"This sucks! I hate it"
"You normally love it, that's just your pain talking"
"My knees hurt"
"Quit half-assing it and they'll stop"
"Again... you are the biggest woman in the class...look at yourself"
"Leave me alone!!! I am a work in progress"
It actually amazes me how negative I was when my self talk just yesterday, was so positive. BUT:
I am proud of myself for going to the gym when I really just wanted to lay in bed and cry.
TODAY I am going to eat well and NOT succumb to my nearly life long habit of emotional eating.
Last night, we had a girls night at my church for those of us who are small group leaders for the 6th grade girls. It was a much needed break for me, and dinner was delicious (California Pizza Kitchen salads and pizza). Now, pizza is one of the absolute worst foods a diabetic can eat. I did allow myself a small piece and ate a full plate of salad with it. I also had 1/2 of an oatmeal raisin cookie. For anyone who might be struggling with pre-diabetes... IF you are going to have pizza... eat a salad first, or with it.. all the fiber helps slow down the breaking down of the carbs. You'll still have a spike in sugars (I have had a spike {of over 300} which peeked at 5 hours after eating 2 or 3 large slices of pizza w/no salad). I love pizza, and I was emotional... so I did indulge in the one slice last night and the 1/2 cookie. And I'm not sorry for it. I am just glad I didn't let myself PIG OUT like I would have a few short months ago.
I brought home 2 left over pizzas (1 and 1/2). Jimmy took the full BBQ ckn to lunch for work (they are 10" pizzas), and I scraped the toppings off of the 3 pieces of works pizza for breakfast. I threw away the bread. That is how I generally eat pizza these days. TOPPINGS only!
and I had a 100 cal. pack of fruit crisps with my coffee this morning.
I am about to make an omelet for lunch.
I hate that it takes so much more effort to lose weight than it does to gain it. But, I feel better. I needed to vent. And it feels good to actually tell people those negative things I tell myself. It reminds me of what is truth, and what my mission is, why I am doing this, what my goals are.
My body is God's temple. I need to restore it to its proper form and honor myself and my God through the journey.
So, I didn't see a difference in the scale this morning... but you know, those folks on Biggest Loser kicked BUTT in the gym this week and ate right - probably better than I did... and some of them only lost 2 lbs.... and that's with MANY HOURS a day working out.... So, it's all good. I'm still going in the right direction. My glass of water with orange slices is still better for me than the Diet Dr. Pepper I used to drink altogether too much of. My half-hearted spin class for an hour still burned a ton of calories and will continue to burn extra calories for several hours (I have seen articles that claim up to 10 hours of extra calorie burn).
I also wanted to share a website , in case any of you find it inspiring... it's www.fit2fat2fit.com. My trainer on Tuesday told me about this trainer who gained over 60 lbs in 6 months on purpose - so that he could lose it again in another 6, and to relate better to his clients who were trying to lose weight. He blogs about how he felt during different stages and what he is doing now to lose the weight... and while I am not following his plan, I do find encouragement in reading his thoughts and feelings during his "fat" stage.
Thanks for reading. Until next time...
L8r
Su
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