Wow. I completely forgot about this blog. I was cleaning up my bookmarks and stumbled across it.
Regarding weight loss - My heaviest weight was 253 in January 2023. That weight acccumulated after my mom died in 2015, followed by my husband Jimmy starting a MS/PhD program in 2016 that took up most of his discretionary time from 2016 to 2022 with a gap for covid when he was laid up with slipped discs and weird vertigo that caused him violent vomiting when he moved. I became bitter with how much I was prioritized, and I pretty much swam in depression off and mostly on since 2015.
I have struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember, and depression since my two miscarraiges in my late 20s.
Part of me doesn't want to rehash all of this, because I can feel the emotions rising and I don't particularly want to cry right now..... BUT, I think it is healing. Too much has happened since my last post.... in 2017.
I am now divorced... those years where we spent no time together did us in, although he says he has not had his needs met since the kids came. Which of course was when I had post-partum depression - BAD. And I don't know - moms don't get their needs met either. It's all about the kids.
Anyway, back to the weightloss. In March 2023, I was diagnosed with the very beginings of diabetic retinopathy. I didn't have any symptoms, but that year's retina scan showed the beginning damage. After 22 years of diabetes, that isn't surprising.
Because of this diagnosis, I started working out (mostly cardio) 4-5 days a week. I lost a few pounds in a couple of weeks.
Then Jimmy left me 3/31/23. The next week, I barely ate. I lost 6 lbs in that week alone.
Dang, this hurts to remember.
I was down to 220ish when I started a new job in May 2023.
Work became stressful about 3 months in - (truly a toxic environment but I stayed until Oct 2024.) Because of the long hours (50 hrs - but only paid for the 40hrs I signed up for - because they called it salary which I can look back and see was a tactic because they overwork everyone who allows it) and the erratic behavior of one of the bosses, I wasn't working out as much (once a week mostly) and I was binging.
Along with the work stress 2023 and 2024 had a lot of divorce stress. and the issues that popped upJust when I would start feeling like I could do this, I'd have something new to process - like finding out he was dating his friend basically right after he left - he even spent that weekend in a hotel with her. They were "best friends" for 4 years before the divorce, She left her spouse the beginning of February, and he left me on a Fridday telling me he was going away for the weekend to unplug and get clarity. He asked for the divorce on Sunday. I was in shock - the feelings of betrayal, and grief, the feeling that I wasted so much of my life waiting for when Jimmy was done with this, or Jimmy was done with that, then we could focus on us. Sike. We actually NEVER focused on us as a married couple. I truly think we got married too young.
Anyway - all of the stress has caused my weight to fluctuate but hover around the 220 mark. Because I self medicate with chocolate in various forms.
Today, I am 208. I am taking a low dose of Tirzepitide, which slows down digestion and I am not as hungry. I do not want to risk taking higher doses because there is a risk of making my retinopathy worse. So faster weight loss is not worth it. But the low base dose is helpful. I am working out a few days a week, sometimes just cardio. I am going back to focusing on getting all my rings closed on my apple watch. That helped me alot during March-May 2023.
Regarding Jimmy - Although this was all painful, I see that our marriage was never what I thought it was -- and that brings a grief all of its own. But I don't mention him to trash him. Our failed marriage isn't all his fault. Just the way it ended. It still brings me pain to even think about him - but being together for 31 years (28 married) will take time to fully grieve. So, I am not a bitter ex wife. I am a grieving almost 54 year old woman who is now discovering who I truly am. Not all the roles I put on.
Thanks for reading.
I find it helpful to write these things out wether or not anyone else reads it.
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