Depressed....

Yesterday, I went mall walking for 45 minutes with a friend of mine who has littles. I had forgotten how much of a workout mall walking actually is when you are pushing a stroller with 30 lbs of toddler in it. Although I did get up a mild sweat, I had wanted to go to the gym also - so I could really get my heart rate up.
Unfortunately, I had a busy day: mall walking, followed by partial lunch w/Jordan, reading to Stephen's class, then lunch with Stephen, then grocery shopping, then the kids got home and we took Daisy to the vet.
The vet's appt. took an hour and a 1/2. They did blood tests and x-rays. Teeny Tiny Daisy has basically been starving to death because her intestines are riddled with masses. The vet said it's more than likely lymphoma... and prognosis is not good. Still waiting on blood test results. Of course, we could biopsy, we could remove what they find, we could do chemo... but it's all very costly... AND it guarantees nothing - with the x-rays, it looks like you'd have to take out most of her intestines... AND... we've got Jimmy's dad going through the end stages of his cancer and will have at least one family trip up to Maryland in the upcoming months, so we have those expenses to plan for as well. Not that I am trying to make this a pity party post... Just explaining where my head is at today.

After the vet's, I came home and cried for an hour or two... just holding and petting my boney little sweet kitty. She still purrs. She still wants attention... she doesn't seem like she's hurting... she's just withering away. She sleeps all the time, she only licks the juice from her food. I don't know whether to just try to make her comfortable while I watch her die, or whether to put her down so she doesn't suffer. I want to do both. UGH!!!!

So, today... I skipped the 8 am spin class. I was just petting the girl, and looking up some Christian music on itunes to make me feel better.... 9 o'clock rolled around and I decided to go to the 9:15 class. I figured I was kidding myself thinking I'd go later in the day and do a cardio on the rower and treadmill and get a good workout. Honestly, I feel like crying myself to sleep. Silly, some might say, to get so upset over the loss of a pet. But, for animal lovers like myself... it's almost as if you're losing a part of yourself, or at the very least... a family member. And unfortunately, all the money in the world can't get rid of cancer. It can buy you time... but that's it. And maybe I'm a little sensitive because I am watching what is happening to my father in law, and how much my sister in law is having to deal with - and how much my husband is having to deal with. And though I don't have the best relationship with my father-in-law, I do care about him, and my husband's sisters... and it hurts to watch the process, it hurts to watch them all hurt. And it hurts to lose my sweet little cuddle kitty...

So, what I noticed today - is that my negative self-talk DURING spin class was at an all-time high. I basically argued with myself the whole time.
"Wow, Susan, you are the fattest person in this class."
"But you won't always be... you're working on it. You're here"
"I don't belong here"
"Yes you do. You're going to be an athlete... you ARE an athlete"
"Crap, I can't do this"
"Yes you can, You can do all things through Christ"
"This sucks! I hate it"
"You normally love it, that's just your pain talking"
"My knees hurt"
"Quit half-assing it and they'll stop"
"Again... you are the biggest woman in the class...look at yourself"
"Leave me alone!!! I am a work in progress"

It actually amazes me how negative I was when my self talk just yesterday, was so positive. BUT:
I am proud of myself for going to the gym when I really just wanted to lay in bed and cry.
TODAY I am going to eat well and NOT succumb to my nearly life long habit of emotional eating.

Last night, we had a girls night at my church for those of us who are small group leaders for the 6th grade girls. It was a much needed break for me, and dinner was delicious (California Pizza Kitchen salads and pizza). Now, pizza is one of the absolute worst foods a diabetic can eat. I did allow myself a small piece and ate a full plate of salad with it. I also had 1/2 of an oatmeal raisin cookie. For anyone who might be struggling with pre-diabetes... IF you are going to have pizza... eat a salad first, or with it.. all the fiber helps slow down the breaking down of the carbs. You'll still have a spike in sugars (I have had a spike {of over 300} which peeked at 5 hours after eating 2 or 3 large slices of pizza w/no salad). I love pizza, and I was emotional... so I did indulge in the one slice last night and the 1/2 cookie. And I'm not sorry for it. I am just glad I didn't let myself PIG OUT like I would have a few short months ago.

I brought home 2 left over pizzas (1 and 1/2). Jimmy took the full BBQ ckn to lunch for work (they are 10" pizzas), and I scraped the toppings off of the 3 pieces of works pizza for breakfast. I threw away the bread. That is how I generally eat pizza these days. TOPPINGS only!

and I had a 100 cal. pack of fruit crisps with my coffee this morning.

I am about to make an omelet for lunch.

I hate that it takes so much more effort to lose weight than it does to gain it. But, I feel better. I needed to vent. And it feels good to actually tell people those negative things I tell myself. It reminds me of what is truth, and what my mission is, why I am doing this, what my goals are.

My body is God's temple. I need to restore it to its proper form and honor myself and my God through the journey.

So, I didn't see a difference in the scale this morning... but you know, those folks on Biggest Loser kicked BUTT in the gym this week and ate right - probably better than I did... and some of them only lost 2 lbs.... and that's with MANY HOURS a day working out.... So, it's all good. I'm still going in the right direction. My glass of water with orange slices is still better for me than the Diet Dr. Pepper I used to drink altogether too much of. My half-hearted spin class for an hour still burned a ton of calories and will continue to burn extra calories for several hours (I have seen articles that claim up to 10 hours of extra calorie burn).

I also wanted to share a website , in case any of you find it inspiring... it's www.fit2fat2fit.com. My trainer on Tuesday told me about this trainer who gained over 60 lbs in 6 months on purpose - so that he could lose it again in another 6, and to relate better to his clients who were trying to lose weight. He blogs about how he felt during different stages and what he is doing now to lose the weight... and while I am not following his plan, I do find encouragement in reading his thoughts and feelings during his "fat" stage.

Thanks for reading. Until next time...
L8r
Su